The time may be approaching

This lovely lady has told me she's moving up here to be with me from Pennsylvania the end of this month, beginning of next.  Under normal circumstances I would be overjoyed by this had not some weird things happened this year to make me nervous about this.  I want to believe she's coming, but everytime I engage her about her soon arrival I'm the only one really acting excited about it.  I'm the only one fantasizing and wanting her here sooner.  It seems as if she's not making a lot of effort to be getting here.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Almost a year...

It's almost a year since I met my beloved E.  We fell in love so suddenly and completely it defies descriptions.  I never thought I'd find someone with whom I felt so complete, so perfect with, but she IS that.   I think God brought us together, and everyday I thank him for that.  I thank him for the happiness and joy I feel from stuck a complete and consuming love as I have for her.   I plan to marry this living vision of divine beauty soon, and I will as I've already asked and she's said yes.   I close with this prayer. 

Dear God, I thank you for the many gifts you given me.   My life, my health, my ability to work hard, but most of all I thank you for my great love,  E.  Though far away and behind bars of steel, our hearts have become entwined so no power but yours could break it.  She fills me with love and devotion that I've not felt for years. I thank you for bringing her to me and I to her.   In all things I thank you and praise your holy name, oh God.  In jesus name,  Amen. 

Why

Why do I still think about alicia from time to time in the wee dark hours in the morning?  Why does some deep dark part of me still yearn for her arms?  She betrayed me, cheated on me and got herself pregnant.  All that I could have forgiven, but the lying I could not forgive.   She just could not handle me honestly, ever nor could she even show me any ounce of passion when someone was looking.   So, explain to me why I still want her when I have t'keya?  It doesn't make any sense at all...

Dear God...

I know you're testing my patience and the strength of my love for T'Keya.   I know in the late hours of the day I realize that thoughts about an ex that I haven't fully purged from my heart and mind sneak in.   However, as much as I do have those feelings still for Alicia, my feelings for T'Keya are stronger.   Please don't make me wait too long for you to put in the ear of the parole board to let her go.   I need her so much.   She's the other side of my soul and heart.   I'm so empty without her.

What's taking so long?

T'Keya and I have been looking forward to the day when she's finally freed from her seven year incarceration at the Florence McClure Women's correctional center, but for some reason the parole board is dragging it's heels.  I don't know who's more frustrated, me or her.   I'm going to guess her because she's really sick of the place.   I'm sure after seven years the "novelty" of being there has worn off.  She's sick of the lousy food, the uncomfortable cots, and the politics of the warden and guards and the correctional system in general.  I don't blame her as I'm sick of their politics too.  I can't tell you the times where money, or the care packages I send her get held up for stupid reasons or laziness on the parts of the officials in charge of the mail rooms.   I just hope that soon the give her release package.   She's earned her release and served her time.   It's time for my fianceè to join me and start her life again.

Why

Why do I still have feelings for her, why? She destroyed my heart and betrayed me. Why when I'm deeply in love with T'Keya do I still think fondly of that heartless bitch Alicia? I really need T'Keya here as soon as possible because until I'm with her I think I'll be conflicted until she's here. That's just the way it is I guess.

Confession

Well, I thank whatever God or goddess there is out there that stops stupid men from ruining their relationships, because I was weak today in trying to get to know another young lady for the purposes of companionship.   I know T'keya has told me if I want a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship while she's still in F. M. W. C. C. it was okay, but I've sworn up and down I wouldn't do that.  My resolve was severely put to the test the other day when I started chatting with a local girl on a social site.  I won't go into what happened, but we met at my place and she was more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.   She left a few minutes after, and nothing happened, thank God.   I've blocked her number on my phone so I won't deal with her again.   I've got enough issues.   Thank you to the God or goddess that watched over me.   I guess I got to learn to keep patient or I'm going to shoot myself in my romantic foot again.   I love T'keya and she's really all I need.

Moved on

Never thought after what Alicia did to my heart and soul that I'd be ready to love again.  Having her cheat on me when we were trying to work on saving our relationship, not only that but getting herself knocked up in the process was really the last straw.  If she had talked with me, even once had been honest with me then I wouldn't wish she would disappear like I do.  Honestly, if .  she were to beg forgiveness or ask to be my friend again, I'd spit in her face.  I'd have to have gotten a few screws loosened for that to happen again.  Anyway, that's not the point of this blog entry.  The pictured young lady is.  This is the woman who healed my heart and soul, no matter that she's incarcerated in Las Vegas right now.  She took the desiccated scraps of my heart and rebuilt them.  This woman, my T'Keya has rejuvenated my heart and soul, and I gladly give it to her for all time. 

Do I hate her?

The honest answer is "no". If I'm honest with myself, I'm still in love with her. Sadly I can't say I trust her as far as I could throw her, which is quite a distance, but anyway I can't trust her. How can you trust someone who can't be honest with you? How can you trust someone who says, "I love you, but don't show it around my friends"? How can you trust someone who wants you to uproot yourself to "prove your love" to them when they showed no actual love to you. At this point if she were to come crying back to me with that kid in tow I might be more likely to suggest she jump in front of a bus than ever let her be my friend again. I do have someone else in my life, sort of, but she's physically out of the picture until a year from this August. I hope to hell I get my feelings sorted out before then or else it won't be fair to her.

posted from Bloggeroid

When will it be?

When will it be,
When I stop feeling like the enemy?
When will things return to the light that once was?
How much can a man be punished for the evil he does?
I know I did wrong, and broke your heart in two.
You haven't punished me lately thus is true,
But I punish myself until my insides are black and blue.
I know I shouldn't, but it must be done.
For if there is a party guilty I'm that one.
Until our love turns back to its normal state.
Hating myself will be my fate.

Someone I can't live without.

All my life I've heard of the myth of "that person you can't live without".  There have been times I thought I've found her, my many engagements and failed marriage will attest to that fact.  Now with this woman who's picture is on this entry I believe I really have found that elusive person I can't live without... I found out the hard way she was that person.   The moment I had to survive without her in my life I found I couldn't think, couldn't function.   I fell into a very dark depression and only she pulled me out.  I love her more than I've loved even the one I mistakenly married.   She is my Bella and renesmee (Twilight Saga reference).  She holds me to this earth by her love and friendship and I'll never do anything to lose that love again.

I thought I knew

I thought I knew what love was before I met you.
I thought I knew what desire was before I met you.
I thought I knew what a soulmate was before I met you.
Then I threw it all away
Because I was confused and in pain
But because the pain I felt not having you was more than I could bear
Like a limb or and organ from my body I tear.
I won't put myself through that pain again,or you.
It'll take time this I know, but I've nothing but time.   I'm in for the long haul... I'm forever yours.   That's my solem promise to you.  Stronger than the last one because I can't take the pain of losing you again... Ever.

Slave to....

I'm a slave, I'll never be anything else.  I'm a slave to something/someone wonderful however.  I'm a slave to my love for a wonderful woman.   I tried to do something I'm not proud of and won't go into it here.  You want more you'll have to read my previous blog entries on the subject.   In any case I'm a slave to love and to her, my Alicia.  I'll never be master of my heart as long as she's master of mine.

I've made some major mistakes

How many mistakes can one man make in a few years, and how big do they have to be.   Apparently in my case they don't have to be many and they vary by size from small to ginormous... In 2011 I got married, apparently too early to know what a lying, cheating, abusive and using bitch she was.  Sadly it took seven months for me to figure it out.   Thankfully the divorce was relatively painless because I didn't make her the mother of my children... Thank God for that.  Soon after all that was over I fell in love with a very wonderful woman and still love her, sadly there were major bumps on the way.   One that has very nearly derailed us completely.  Not going into a long description, but because of missed and mixed signals I cheated on her while she was at school abroad.   I'm not proud of what I've done... It was the same shit my useless ex-wife did to me and I did it to someone that deserves and deserved so much better at my hands.   She has given me a second chance to put it generously and I don't deserve it... I'll be thankful for her generosity and I'll never touch another woman in a sexual manner online or in person ever again... I'll make myself into a eunuch first.

Why do I put up with you?

Why do I put up with everything you put me through?  I guess there's no simple answer, but I guess the simplest answer is the longest one.  Yes we've been through some tough times, and I sense we'll be through rougher as the years go on, but we'll do it together as always.  My love for you exploded on a rainy, cloudy day like it is here right now and it hasn't gone down.  You lit my life again after a great darkness had fallen on it.  You are my life and I couldn't live without you if you left it.  You fill me with joy and always will because you are my queen of hearts.  I love you and will always hold your hand literally and electronically through your darkest and brightest times.  You are worth everything I have whether you think so or not.  You are worth it because I love you.

I miss

I miss my hometown of Plainville, Massachusetts.   Actually if you look at my Facebook profile it says my hometown is East Stoneham, Maine and that's true as well, however they say home is where your heart is and that is why I consider Plainville my hometown.   My heart is a little further from Plainville, but it's close enough in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.  Still Plainville is where I lived when I met and started falling in love with a young lady called Alicia Mello.   She's a lot younger than me, but it really didn't matter.  The only problem was the legal issues, that and the fact that I was always with someone else.   It took until I had moved away and my marriage failed that I got enough courage to admit my feelings.  She touches me in ways my ex wife or any girlfriend ever never could do that.   She really is my soul mate and my other half.   I'm hoping that one day my soul will be complete forever and be happy always. 

Ever had a bad feeling?

Did you ever have a bad feeling about someone or something?  I've got that about Alicia right now.  She had a big blowout with the guy she calls her boyfriend.   He thought because I'm being honest about my feelings with Alicia that she's cheating on him with me.  Quite the trick since she's there in Rhode Island and I'm here.  The reason he was angry is because he hacked her phone. I don't care what you feel or how hurt you are, nothing gives you the right to invade someone's privacy.  Not only that she was told that she's no longer able to adopt her sister.   So problem upon problem caused her anxiety to fire up like crazy.  The reason I've a bad feeling is I've felt weak, tired and depressed all day despite having a good nights sleep and being in a good mood.   I'm very scared and worried and I can't do anything...

Thank you almighty god

Thank you god for all the grace you've shown me, for giving me my gifts, my heart that feels so much. Thank you god for breaking my marriage to an abusive and untrustworthy woman up. Thank you god for giving me my Alicia for all her issues and problems, for I love her more than anyone because we help each other with our issues. We are true partners. (even if she can't decide if it's better with me or without me in her life. ;-) ) I thank you for your teaching moments that you put in my way. I hope to keep those lessons in my heart. Thank you for protecting me from any evil that people send my way (even from ex-wives). I will love and trust you always Creator.
A-ho

posted from Bloggeroid

You got to be kidding

Well my darling Alicia is still not coming home.   She's still in Rhode Island, in the hospital.   She had one of her seizures and her friend's father had her admitted.   A good thing too because we were becoming concerned about her.   The bad thing is, I'm still without a car.   I'm beginning to think that I should just replace it and get the last remnant of my bitch of an ex-wife out of my life.   I also had to send 112.00 to Concord today to keep my license active because of an accident that neither I nor the other person was interested in calling the police about.   I mean why get upset about something we resolved ourselves and punish me?   That's just dumb.   Anyway, I don't care about my car, I just want my Alicia home.   I'll figure something out, I have so far.

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Missing my baby

I sit here alone in my apartment while my baby is in Krakow, Poland having a mini vacation from the university of limerick and missing her.  I wish that she could get away from family issues, but as long as she's online and her family is too she can't get away from it completely.  She has this aunt that hates my guts and I don't know why.  I know I'm a lot older than her niece, but I'm sensing it's more than that.  I've a feeling her aunt doesn't like to share her affections with anyone else, much less a boyfriend.  Yes, I'm older than Alicia, yes I'm recently divorced (well, last year I was divorced) but that doesn't mean I'm stealing Alicia's affection for her family, deserved affection or not.  Her aunt needs to learn to share, or she's going to find out that Alicia will cut her out of her life forever.  Her aunt and her brother, her uncle, are already using her as a tool to destroy her family and Alicia has had enough of that.  Her aunt tries to take her (Alicia) away from me and Alicia might kill her.