The time may be approaching

This lovely lady has told me she's moving up here to be with me from Pennsylvania the end of this month, beginning of next.  Under normal circumstances I would be overjoyed by this had not some weird things happened this year to make me nervous about this.  I want to believe she's coming, but everytime I engage her about her soon arrival I'm the only one really acting excited about it.  I'm the only one fantasizing and wanting her here sooner.  It seems as if she's not making a lot of effort to be getting here.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I may still be in a trap.

My last post talked about how a detective contacted me about Linda being fake.  Well, I'm still "with" her despite all that because nothing seemed to have come of it.  Anyway, on to why my title is the way it is.  I stopped talking to her for a day because i had to get my thoughts in order.  I was feeling uneasy about where our "relationship" was or wasn't going.  Long story short, I was getting annoyed that she seemed to be making little to no effort to move up here as she promised.  All this time since last October she's been requesting money from me.  Normally it's not so bad but when she keeps doing it over and over and i get nothing tangible other than a few racy and non-racy pictures from her from time to time... Well, it makes a man wonder.  That's why i held off talking to her until last afternoon.  Granted, that earned a text message "tongue lashing" from her sister and friend.  I was just trying to think of a tactful way of expressing my feelings.  I also had to tell her i was unable to help her this week with any money.  She understood, and she said she'd finally move here in June, July at the latest.  Now i have more of an idea of when to expect her, though not really sure i can hold her to that, but my heart loves her so much that i can at least hope.  I hope I'm not letting myself in for a letdown...

From my journal

 February 24, 2021

Ever get a call from someone or somewhere you didn't expect?  Well, that happened to me yesterday.  I got a call from a detective who worked at the northern York county regional police department.

For privacy reasons, I won't disclose the detective’s name, but needless to say, it was a disturbing conversation.  They contacted me about some problems I had with Santander bank.  My girl, Linda, tried to deposit some checks without my signature.  Something someone with common knowledge would know, but I guess she didn't have much exposure to depositing checks.  Possibly because she used direct deposit.  Anyway, that's beside the subject.  I gave the detective every bit of information I knew or had.  The detective told me I was a victim of a “sweetheart scam”.  Something I was starting to suspect slightly.  I thanked him for his time and left it at that.

To say I wasn't upset is untrue.  I debated most of the afternoon whether to confront her or not.  I decided not to.  Why you may ask?. The reason is despite what I learned, I still loved her.  She has done nothing but exhibit only love to me.  I saw no reason to break it off.  Perhaps I should have done so, but simple mistakes shouldn't ruin relationships.  Besides, until I hear something different from more people, I see no reason to disbelieve my lady’s love for me.  I guess I'll just wait and see.

Almost a year...

It's almost a year since I met my beloved E.  We fell in love so suddenly and completely it defies descriptions.  I never thought I'd find someone with whom I felt so complete, so perfect with, but she IS that.   I think God brought us together, and everyday I thank him for that.  I thank him for the happiness and joy I feel from stuck a complete and consuming love as I have for her.   I plan to marry this living vision of divine beauty soon, and I will as I've already asked and she's said yes.   I close with this prayer. 

Dear God, I thank you for the many gifts you given me.   My life, my health, my ability to work hard, but most of all I thank you for my great love,  E.  Though far away and behind bars of steel, our hearts have become entwined so no power but yours could break it.  She fills me with love and devotion that I've not felt for years. I thank you for bringing her to me and I to her.   In all things I thank you and praise your holy name, oh God.  In jesus name,  Amen. 

Why

Why do I still think about alicia from time to time in the wee dark hours in the morning?  Why does some deep dark part of me still yearn for her arms?  She betrayed me, cheated on me and got herself pregnant.  All that I could have forgiven, but the lying I could not forgive.   She just could not handle me honestly, ever nor could she even show me any ounce of passion when someone was looking.   So, explain to me why I still want her when I have t'keya?  It doesn't make any sense at all...

Dear God...

I know you're testing my patience and the strength of my love for T'Keya.   I know in the late hours of the day I realize that thoughts about an ex that I haven't fully purged from my heart and mind sneak in.   However, as much as I do have those feelings still for Alicia, my feelings for T'Keya are stronger.   Please don't make me wait too long for you to put in the ear of the parole board to let her go.   I need her so much.   She's the other side of my soul and heart.   I'm so empty without her.

What's taking so long?

T'Keya and I have been looking forward to the day when she's finally freed from her seven year incarceration at the Florence McClure Women's correctional center, but for some reason the parole board is dragging it's heels.  I don't know who's more frustrated, me or her.   I'm going to guess her because she's really sick of the place.   I'm sure after seven years the "novelty" of being there has worn off.  She's sick of the lousy food, the uncomfortable cots, and the politics of the warden and guards and the correctional system in general.  I don't blame her as I'm sick of their politics too.  I can't tell you the times where money, or the care packages I send her get held up for stupid reasons or laziness on the parts of the officials in charge of the mail rooms.   I just hope that soon the give her release package.   She's earned her release and served her time.   It's time for my fianceè to join me and start her life again.

Joss Weadon ressurects Buffy from the undead

As many of my friends know, I'm a huge fan of Joss Weadon's supernatural action vehicles Buffy:. The Vampire Slayer and Angel.  I've watched both shows and read almost all the comic book "seasons" of Buffy.  The news came down that after twelve seasons (both on the air and in the comics) the original team's story will be over.  Soon after that another announcement came down from the man himself that he's taking a writer from agents of shield and executive producing a new Buffy series.  Okay, fine and good.  It's been 21 years since Sarah Michelle gellar had donned the leather jacket and weilded a wooden stake for the first time.  However what's surprising is the uproar from the fans about a major change in the title character.  She's going to be African American.  I've been disgusted by rabid fandom before.  Prime examples being star trek, star wars and more recently the CW arrowverse fans vs comic book fans.  Of all the fandoms I would never have thought the Buffy fandom to have so many racists.  Granted I had the same knee-jerk reaction as other fans.  "Buffy should be white!!!". However since the old guard will be "dead" at the end of this "season" in the dark horse comics I can see the possibilities.  Since alternate universes exist in Buffy (The wish and dopplegangland) why wouldn't an African American Buffy exist somewhere?  Joss has never made a flop when he had control, so he won't steer is wrong now.  Have we as Weadon fans forgotten our mantra "In Joss We Trust"?  Why should we change that now?

Why

Why do I still have feelings for her, why? She destroyed my heart and betrayed me. Why when I'm deeply in love with T'Keya do I still think fondly of that heartless bitch Alicia? I really need T'Keya here as soon as possible because until I'm with her I think I'll be conflicted until she's here. That's just the way it is I guess.

Confession

Well, I thank whatever God or goddess there is out there that stops stupid men from ruining their relationships, because I was weak today in trying to get to know another young lady for the purposes of companionship.   I know T'keya has told me if I want a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship while she's still in F. M. W. C. C. it was okay, but I've sworn up and down I wouldn't do that.  My resolve was severely put to the test the other day when I started chatting with a local girl on a social site.  I won't go into what happened, but we met at my place and she was more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.   She left a few minutes after, and nothing happened, thank God.   I've blocked her number on my phone so I won't deal with her again.   I've got enough issues.   Thank you to the God or goddess that watched over me.   I guess I got to learn to keep patient or I'm going to shoot myself in my romantic foot again.   I love T'keya and she's really all I need.

Moved on

Never thought after what Alicia did to my heart and soul that I'd be ready to love again.  Having her cheat on me when we were trying to work on saving our relationship, not only that but getting herself knocked up in the process was really the last straw.  If she had talked with me, even once had been honest with me then I wouldn't wish she would disappear like I do.  Honestly, if .  she were to beg forgiveness or ask to be my friend again, I'd spit in her face.  I'd have to have gotten a few screws loosened for that to happen again.  Anyway, that's not the point of this blog entry.  The pictured young lady is.  This is the woman who healed my heart and soul, no matter that she's incarcerated in Las Vegas right now.  She took the desiccated scraps of my heart and rebuilt them.  This woman, my T'Keya has rejuvenated my heart and soul, and I gladly give it to her for all time. 

Our song

Okay universe, I understand what you're trying to say... I can't do anything about it, but I understand.  I shouldn't have let her go.  Isn't that why I always happen to be somewhere when "A Thousand Years" our song is playing?  Do you think I wanted to let her go?   I surely didn't, but she took the choice out of my hands.   If you want to torment someone with that blasted song, why not her?   She's the one that ruined everything... ruined my dreams and happiness for years to come.   Do I still love her?   I could lie and say,  "no", but to paraphrase a line from a favorite play of mine, The Crucible, "I may think of her fondly from time to time, but I'll cut my own arms off if I ever reach for her again! "  She's no better than a liar and I don't need that disease in my life again.

Never use greyhound

Let me explain. I was needing to travel to New York for a memorial service for my cousin on Columbus day weekend and needed to take a bus. The trip from my area on Dartmouth Coach was no trouble so no problems there, but greyhound was another story. I got on their express from Boston to New York at 2:00 PM or thereabouts and was supposed to get to NYC at about 6:00 PM. Didn't happen that way obviously because I didn't get to NYC until midnight, way too late to make my connection to Newburgh/Cornwall. When I got back on the tenth of October I complained to greyhound, and because I didn't pay for their "first class" price they weren't going to refund my full price on my ticket, but we agreed to a $60.00 travel voucher. I still haven't received that, and when I recently contacted them asking them what was going on they tried to palm off a $19.00 travel voucher which they say "according to our records" we agreed to. We did NOT agree to that. Never in the least. So dear readers, if you want to travel by bus anywhere in this country, use any bus line other than greyhound or you will get screwed if something goes wrong unless you pay their "first class" price. I'll take Dartmouth Coach to New York next time if I go. Greyhound, you have lost a customer.

posted from Bloggeroid

Do I hate her?

The honest answer is "no". If I'm honest with myself, I'm still in love with her. Sadly I can't say I trust her as far as I could throw her, which is quite a distance, but anyway I can't trust her. How can you trust someone who can't be honest with you? How can you trust someone who says, "I love you, but don't show it around my friends"? How can you trust someone who wants you to uproot yourself to "prove your love" to them when they showed no actual love to you. At this point if she were to come crying back to me with that kid in tow I might be more likely to suggest she jump in front of a bus than ever let her be my friend again. I do have someone else in my life, sort of, but she's physically out of the picture until a year from this August. I hope to hell I get my feelings sorted out before then or else it won't be fair to her.

posted from Bloggeroid

The dragnet Christmas episodes

All those fans of dragnet out there probably only know of one episode that they did for Christmas, The Big Little Jesus or The Christmas Story where they (Joe Friday and his partner) try to track down a possibly stolen statue of the baby Jesus from a nativity scene in a Catholic Church. This episode has even been adapted for the show macgyver. Look it up... Anyway there is a less famous, but no less impactful story that they made for Christmas, The Big .22 rifle for Christmas. It's a story more about gun safety more than Christmas, but the story is also good. A child accidentally kills his friend with his Christmas gift, a new .22 rifle. This episode has never been shown after the 50s dragnet series, probably because it doesn't really talk about Christmas. I like both these holiday episodes of the famous police procedural, but the best is The Big Little Jesus because it's about the holiday, not murder. What's your opinion?

posted from Bloggeroid

My thoughts on Mr. Stephen King

Say what you will about Stephen King and his quality of books and movies over the years (rose red and his version of the shining being among my favorite horror movies) he is a great writer.   Many call him the Master of horror, and they aren't wrong.   The majority of his books and stories are horror based, but I think another title can be given to him.   The Master of the modern adult fairy tale.  Before you do a triple take and think I've lost my mind, hear me out.   Many of us don't know the unabridged versions of those fairy tales we grew up with.   Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in their original forms were as gruesome as any Stephen King story about a demon clown or a killer virus.   If you read a lot of Stephen Kings stories, if they aren't an ongoing series like the dark tower series, have a happy ending.   The monster or evil is defeated, but at a great cost to the heroes.   Heck, in Stephen kings classic novel, IT, two of the children who were the heroes die one by suicide and the other in battle.   The heroes leave scarred, but triumphant.   So in a way Stephen King is like the brothers Grimm for the modern age, and maybe someday he'll be just as immortal as the fairy tale writers that we all grew up with.

Would that I could.

Would that I could bury my heart fifty fathoms deep.
So that no one could hear my heart weep.
Would that the river grant me eternal rest
From the pain caused by she whom I loved best.
But the great good has not seen fit to salve my tortured soul
So onwards I cry, onwards I go
Into the the remainder of my life, my life's winter blow.
To walk the lonely winding road forever alone.

When will it be?

When will it be,
When I stop feeling like the enemy?
When will things return to the light that once was?
How much can a man be punished for the evil he does?
I know I did wrong, and broke your heart in two.
You haven't punished me lately thus is true,
But I punish myself until my insides are black and blue.
I know I shouldn't, but it must be done.
For if there is a party guilty I'm that one.
Until our love turns back to its normal state.
Hating myself will be my fate.

I never meant for it to happen

We were supposed to help each other, heal each other, but what I ended up doing was adding to the terror.  I do love miss Alicia and that's the only person I love.  I'll turn gay before I touch another woman other than her ever again.  Still, I screwed up royally. .. And I'll explain what I mean.  When we forest starting going together the first time she'd have horrible nightmares about my ex and hers keeping us apart. Never expected I would have been the one to ruin things.   Now I'm the subject or one of the subjects of her nightmares. :-(  I royally screwed up and I can't take it back, sometimes I wish I had the courage to just disappear and just not hurt anyone anymore. ..I can't do that though because I'm a coward in that way. .. That and if I did that I'd never be able to make things up to her. .. It seems as if that'll never happen, but I have faith and patience on my side. .. That and as I've said I can't live without her.

Someone I can't live without.

All my life I've heard of the myth of "that person you can't live without".  There have been times I thought I've found her, my many engagements and failed marriage will attest to that fact.  Now with this woman who's picture is on this entry I believe I really have found that elusive person I can't live without... I found out the hard way she was that person.   The moment I had to survive without her in my life I found I couldn't think, couldn't function.   I fell into a very dark depression and only she pulled me out.  I love her more than I've loved even the one I mistakenly married.   She is my Bella and renesmee (Twilight Saga reference).  She holds me to this earth by her love and friendship and I'll never do anything to lose that love again.