When will it be?

When will it be,
When I stop feeling like the enemy?
When will things return to the light that once was?
How much can a man be punished for the evil he does?
I know I did wrong, and broke your heart in two.
You haven't punished me lately thus is true,
But I punish myself until my insides are black and blue.
I know I shouldn't, but it must be done.
For if there is a party guilty I'm that one.
Until our love turns back to its normal state.
Hating myself will be my fate.

I never meant for it to happen

We were supposed to help each other, heal each other, but what I ended up doing was adding to the terror.  I do love miss Alicia and that's the only person I love.  I'll turn gay before I touch another woman other than her ever again.  Still, I screwed up royally. .. And I'll explain what I mean.  When we forest starting going together the first time she'd have horrible nightmares about my ex and hers keeping us apart. Never expected I would have been the one to ruin things.   Now I'm the subject or one of the subjects of her nightmares. :-(  I royally screwed up and I can't take it back, sometimes I wish I had the courage to just disappear and just not hurt anyone anymore. ..I can't do that though because I'm a coward in that way. .. That and if I did that I'd never be able to make things up to her. .. It seems as if that'll never happen, but I have faith and patience on my side. .. That and as I've said I can't live without her.

Someone I can't live without.

All my life I've heard of the myth of "that person you can't live without".  There have been times I thought I've found her, my many engagements and failed marriage will attest to that fact.  Now with this woman who's picture is on this entry I believe I really have found that elusive person I can't live without... I found out the hard way she was that person.   The moment I had to survive without her in my life I found I couldn't think, couldn't function.   I fell into a very dark depression and only she pulled me out.  I love her more than I've loved even the one I mistakenly married.   She is my Bella and renesmee (Twilight Saga reference).  She holds me to this earth by her love and friendship and I'll never do anything to lose that love again.

I thought I knew

I thought I knew what love was before I met you.
I thought I knew what desire was before I met you.
I thought I knew what a soulmate was before I met you.
Then I threw it all away
Because I was confused and in pain
But because the pain I felt not having you was more than I could bear
Like a limb or and organ from my body I tear.
I won't put myself through that pain again,or you.
It'll take time this I know, but I've nothing but time.   I'm in for the long haul... I'm forever yours.   That's my solem promise to you.  Stronger than the last one because I can't take the pain of losing you again... Ever.

Slave to....

I'm a slave, I'll never be anything else.  I'm a slave to something/someone wonderful however.  I'm a slave to my love for a wonderful woman.   I tried to do something I'm not proud of and won't go into it here.  You want more you'll have to read my previous blog entries on the subject.   In any case I'm a slave to love and to her, my Alicia.  I'll never be master of my heart as long as she's master of mine.

I've made some major mistakes

How many mistakes can one man make in a few years, and how big do they have to be.   Apparently in my case they don't have to be many and they vary by size from small to ginormous... In 2011 I got married, apparently too early to know what a lying, cheating, abusive and using bitch she was.  Sadly it took seven months for me to figure it out.   Thankfully the divorce was relatively painless because I didn't make her the mother of my children... Thank God for that.  Soon after all that was over I fell in love with a very wonderful woman and still love her, sadly there were major bumps on the way.   One that has very nearly derailed us completely.  Not going into a long description, but because of missed and mixed signals I cheated on her while she was at school abroad.   I'm not proud of what I've done... It was the same shit my useless ex-wife did to me and I did it to someone that deserves and deserved so much better at my hands.   She has given me a second chance to put it generously and I don't deserve it... I'll be thankful for her generosity and I'll never touch another woman in a sexual manner online or in person ever again... I'll make myself into a eunuch first.

Forgive me

Oh great spirit, high God of all, I ask for forgiveness for what I did too hurt the woman you gave to me after my disastrous marriage.   I squandered your gift to me because I was a fool.  I wasn't patient, I let my loneliness cloud my mind and hurt the angel you gave to me.   It is by your grace and hers that she's even having anything to do with me.   Thank you for your gift and entwining our souls so that I can never hurt her again.   I realized I loved her more than anything and I know I've a lot to rebuild, but thank you for giving me the chance.   I don't deserve it at all, but your great love for me has given me so many gifts. I give thanks in your holy name,
A-ho

The link to my first service as a "pastor".

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bxbz4QRiIWA_NTVKLTFhR0NJM1k/edit?usp=docslist_api

Why do I put up with you?

Why do I put up with everything you put me through?  I guess there's no simple answer, but I guess the simplest answer is the longest one.  Yes we've been through some tough times, and I sense we'll be through rougher as the years go on, but we'll do it together as always.  My love for you exploded on a rainy, cloudy day like it is here right now and it hasn't gone down.  You lit my life again after a great darkness had fallen on it.  You are my life and I couldn't live without you if you left it.  You fill me with joy and always will because you are my queen of hearts.  I love you and will always hold your hand literally and electronically through your darkest and brightest times.  You are worth everything I have whether you think so or not.  You are worth it because I love you.

I miss

I miss my hometown of Plainville, Massachusetts.   Actually if you look at my Facebook profile it says my hometown is East Stoneham, Maine and that's true as well, however they say home is where your heart is and that is why I consider Plainville my hometown.   My heart is a little further from Plainville, but it's close enough in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.  Still Plainville is where I lived when I met and started falling in love with a young lady called Alicia Mello.   She's a lot younger than me, but it really didn't matter.  The only problem was the legal issues, that and the fact that I was always with someone else.   It took until I had moved away and my marriage failed that I got enough courage to admit my feelings.  She touches me in ways my ex wife or any girlfriend ever never could do that.   She really is my soul mate and my other half.   I'm hoping that one day my soul will be complete forever and be happy always. 

I've mellowed out a lot.

Mellowed, matured, call it what you will, but it's true.   A couple things happened to me this week that I think not too long ago would have made me go on facebook, or here to spout off about it and post it so everyone in the internet could see it.  I'm not going to go into specifics, but let's just say it's been conflicts between me and friends as well as friends of friends and leave it at that.   It would help no one for me to say more than that.   As what I mean about mellowed.   A few months ago I would have said everything.   It took me until I was almost 40 to figure it out.

Ever had a bad feeling?

Did you ever have a bad feeling about someone or something?  I've got that about Alicia right now.  She had a big blowout with the guy she calls her boyfriend.   He thought because I'm being honest about my feelings with Alicia that she's cheating on him with me.  Quite the trick since she's there in Rhode Island and I'm here.  The reason he was angry is because he hacked her phone. I don't care what you feel or how hurt you are, nothing gives you the right to invade someone's privacy.  Not only that she was told that she's no longer able to adopt her sister.   So problem upon problem caused her anxiety to fire up like crazy.  The reason I've a bad feeling is I've felt weak, tired and depressed all day despite having a good nights sleep and being in a good mood.   I'm very scared and worried and I can't do anything...

My big mouth

My big mouth gets me in trouble so much that I can't help it it seems.   A former friend on Facebook asked me why I removed her.   I told her that I didn't appreciate being called childish when the woman I love decided to break my heart yet again.   Crazy thing is I'm still with her because I still love her.   Anyway I told her my side of the story which she wasn't interested in hearing it before she called me childish.  Anyway she rounded on this woman and got mad at her for telling me what she said in the first place.  I couldn't lie when she asked me that question.  Now I've caused more problems. .. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut in the future.

Why do I put up with it?

Why am I putting up with the crap that Alicia is putting me through. Not too long ago if someone had cheated on me I'd have kicked them to the curb, but why am I not doing it with Alicia? Why am I not abandoning her like she so richly deserves? The short answer is, and yes a bit overly dramatic or romantic depending on ones point of view, is that she's my soulmate. I know, I know I've said it before about many women, but in this case I think its totally true. I can't live without her, I can't imagine life without her. Anytime we argue when she does something (forgive me for saying this) stupid I feel like I'm cutting myself. I love her more than anything and it grows stronger each day. She doesn't see what she did as cheating, but when you cuddle up to people who love you and give them the wrong signals then announce in Facebook that you have a boyfriend and its not that person who loves you and thought there was romance there, then its considered cheating. She doesn't realize how much she broke my heart, but it doesn't matter because I still love her. She thinks she's the only one who has friends picking on her about being with me. I do too, the only difference is I don't let their opinions bother me, and if it bothers them, they know where the door is. I love you Alicia without reservation, whether you believe it or not, and I always will.

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