We were supposed to help each other, heal each other, but what I ended up doing was adding to the terror. I do love miss Alicia and that's the only person I love. I'll turn gay before I touch another woman other than her ever again. Still, I screwed up royally. .. And I'll explain what I mean. When we forest starting going together the first time she'd have horrible nightmares about my ex and hers keeping us apart. Never expected I would have been the one to ruin things. Now I'm the subject or one of the subjects of her nightmares. :-( I royally screwed up and I can't take it back, sometimes I wish I had the courage to just disappear and just not hurt anyone anymore. ..I can't do that though because I'm a coward in that way. .. That and if I did that I'd never be able to make things up to her. .. It seems as if that'll never happen, but I have faith and patience on my side. .. That and as I've said I can't live without her.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Someone I can't live without.
All my life I've heard of the myth of "that person you can't live without". There have been times I thought I've found her, my many engagements and failed marriage will attest to that fact. Now with this woman who's picture is on this entry I believe I really have found that elusive person I can't live without... I found out the hard way she was that person. The moment I had to survive without her in my life I found I couldn't think, couldn't function. I fell into a very dark depression and only she pulled me out. I love her more than I've loved even the one I mistakenly married. She is my Bella and renesmee (Twilight Saga reference). She holds me to this earth by her love and friendship and I'll never do anything to lose that love again.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
I thought I knew
I thought I knew what love was before I met you.
I thought I knew what desire was before I met you.
I thought I knew what a soulmate was before I met you.
Then I threw it all away
Because I was confused and in pain
But because the pain I felt not having you was more than I could bear
Like a limb or and organ from my body I tear.
I won't put myself through that pain again,or you.
It'll take time this I know, but I've nothing but time. I'm in for the long haul... I'm forever yours. That's my solem promise to you. Stronger than the last one because I can't take the pain of losing you again... Ever.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Slave to....
I'm a slave, I'll never be anything else. I'm a slave to something/someone wonderful however. I'm a slave to my love for a wonderful woman. I tried to do something I'm not proud of and won't go into it here. You want more you'll have to read my previous blog entries on the subject. In any case I'm a slave to love and to her, my Alicia. I'll never be master of my heart as long as she's master of mine.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I've made some major mistakes
How many mistakes can one man make in a few years, and how big do they have to be. Apparently in my case they don't have to be many and they vary by size from small to ginormous... In 2011 I got married, apparently too early to know what a lying, cheating, abusive and using bitch she was. Sadly it took seven months for me to figure it out. Thankfully the divorce was relatively painless because I didn't make her the mother of my children... Thank God for that. Soon after all that was over I fell in love with a very wonderful woman and still love her, sadly there were major bumps on the way. One that has very nearly derailed us completely. Not going into a long description, but because of missed and mixed signals I cheated on her while she was at school abroad. I'm not proud of what I've done... It was the same shit my useless ex-wife did to me and I did it to someone that deserves and deserved so much better at my hands. She has given me a second chance to put it generously and I don't deserve it... I'll be thankful for her generosity and I'll never touch another woman in a sexual manner online or in person ever again... I'll make myself into a eunuch first.
Forgive me
Oh great spirit, high God of all, I ask for forgiveness for what I did too hurt the woman you gave to me after my disastrous marriage. I squandered your gift to me because I was a fool. I wasn't patient, I let my loneliness cloud my mind and hurt the angel you gave to me. It is by your grace and hers that she's even having anything to do with me. Thank you for your gift and entwining our souls so that I can never hurt her again. I realized I loved her more than anything and I know I've a lot to rebuild, but thank you for giving me the chance. I don't deserve it at all, but your great love for me has given me so many gifts. I give thanks in your holy name,
A-ho
